Life's Just Exciting!

What's P&O Got To Do With It

I had a good cry this afternoon. It wouldn't have been a shame if I didn't do it in public, but I was at McDonald's and it was only 2 o'clock! Lots of middle school students and some yuppies still having their lunch. Argh. There were three ladies across the table who were looking...gawking...obviously wondering if I was a loony! I tried my once proven, foolproof tactic, of not blinking my eyes to prevent the tears from falling down. But it was no use. I guess the well is just too full to contain at the time.

I've been in this uphill-downhill mood for much of my pregnancy. Something that surprises and makes me uncomfortable. I wasn't like this at all when I was pregnant with Luis. Then, it was pure bliss. Now, there are just too many insecurities. Too many worries. I worry about how I will handle taking care of a preschooler and a newborn without help from extended family; I worry about entrusting Luis to the schoolbus driver and assistant going to and from school*; I am doubting the wisdom of putting Luis in a full montessori school and wondering if it's really what's best for him (to think that Luis has been in school for only 1 month!); I worry about getting old without a personal retirement fund and plan in place; I worry about being able to find a constant playmate for Luis, that he might be growing up "antisocial" because there is simply no one to bond with that's his age; I even worry about where I'll get the next set of menu for the coming week!

I am sure the fluctuating levels of P & O (progesterone and oestrogen) in my body is largely to blame. But I also can't dismiss the fact that most of my worries are logical, and are based on our current circumstances. I also know I am partly to blame because I really don't spill it out. When I do touch on my worries I see to it that I still sound and appear coherent, to the point of probably deemphasizing how much they affect me. I couldn't just blurt them out, like I want to. You know how sometimes just expressing how you feel, no matter how, can make you feel half better already? But I am too proud to do that. So I suffer. I saw this article in Mother & Baby magazine about what pregnant women are capable of doing as a result of their mood swings. One woman yelled at her husband for breathing too loud, would you believe? Another burst into hysterical tears, yelling "that's it, we'll have to give the baby away. this is no world to bring a child into", after learning of the news that an elderly neighbor was mugged. So far I haven't done any of that, or anything remotely close to that. Mostly I just keep my silence, and I know that's what's slowly killing me. Burying me deep into my depression.

I was so depressed the past few days I almost signed-off from blogging. Not that it would make much difference to anyone. But blogging is the only hobby I have left now and I know I will really, really, hate myself if I give it up completely. This P&O surge is robbing me of the passion to do things I used to love doing! My camera, for instance, has been sitting in my desk for days now, drained of battery power. Something I never thought can happen, ever. I don't have a clue as to how long this P&O will have its power over me. Happy, sad, angry, glad -- all within minutes. Crazy.

* Last Tuesday our school bus (actually it was a hi-ace van) almost had a head-on collision with a car, going home from school. The following day I pulled out Luis from the school bus service, one-way. Now it's a constant battle going home because he wants to join the "bus bunch", but I know I need to make a statement both to the school and bus company. And until something is done, I have no choice but to sacrifice my son's preferred routine. I hope it doesn't have any lasting negative emotional impact on him.

posted by lala @ 10:04 PM