What's P&O Got To Do With It
I had a good cry this afternoon. It wouldn't have been a shame if I didn't do it in public, but I was at McDonald's and it was only 2 o'clock! Lots of middle school students and some yuppies still having their lunch. Argh. There were three ladies across the table who were looking...gawking...obviously wondering if I was a loony! I tried my once proven, foolproof tactic, of not blinking my eyes to prevent the tears from falling down. But it was no use. I guess the well is just too full to contain at the time.
I've been in this uphill-downhill mood for much of my pregnancy. Something that surprises and makes me uncomfortable. I wasn't like this at all when I was pregnant with Luis. Then, it was pure bliss. Now, there are just too many insecurities. Too many worries. I worry about how I will handle taking care of a preschooler and a newborn without help from extended family; I worry about entrusting Luis to the schoolbus driver and assistant going to and
from school*; I am doubting the wisdom of putting Luis in a full montessori school and wondering if it's really what's best for him (to think that Luis has been in school for only 1 month!); I worry about getting old without a personal retirement fund and plan in place; I worry about being able to find a constant playmate for Luis, that he might be growing up "antisocial" because there is simply no one to bond with that's his age; I even worry about where I'll get the next set of menu for the coming week!
I am sure the fluctuating levels of
P & O (progesterone and oestrogen) in my body is largely to blame. But I also can't dismiss the fact that most of my worries are logical, and are based on our current circumstances. I also know I am partly to blame because I really don't
spill it out. When I do touch on my worries I see to it that I still sound and appear coherent, to the point of probably deemphasizing how much they affect me. I couldn't just blurt them out, like I want to. You know how sometimes just expressing how you feel, no matter how, can make you feel half better already? But I am too proud to do that. So I suffer. I saw this article in Mother & Baby magazine about what pregnant women are capable of doing as a result of their mood swings. One woman yelled at her husband for breathing too loud, would you believe? Another burst into hysterical tears, yelling
"that's it, we'll have to give the baby away. this is no world to bring a child into", after learning of the news that an elderly neighbor was mugged. So far I haven't done any of that, or anything remotely close to that. Mostly I just keep my silence, and I know that's what's slowly killing me. Burying me deep into my depression.
I was so depressed the past few days I almost signed-off from blogging. Not that it would make much difference to anyone. But blogging is the only hobby I have left now and I know I will really, really, hate myself if I give it up completely. This P&O surge is robbing me of the passion to do things I used to love doing! My camera, for instance, has been
sitting in my desk for days now, drained of battery power. Something I never thought can happen, ever. I don't have a clue as to how long this P&O will have its power over me. Happy, sad, angry, glad -- all within minutes. Crazy.
* Last Tuesday our school bus (actually it was a hi-ace van) almost had a head-on collision with a car, going home from school. The following day I pulled out Luis from the school bus service, one-way. Now it's a constant battle going home because he wants to join the "bus bunch", but I know I need to make a statement both to the school and bus company. And until something is done, I have no choice but to sacrifice my son's preferred routine. I hope it doesn't have any lasting negative emotional impact on him.
September 23
Lesson learned. If you want your day to be extraordinary, you have to plan and direct it yourself.
Monsters In My Mind
I am seriously considering giving up news reading. I've noted the increasing number of crimes against and by children. Those kinds that will scare moms out of their sanity. Imagine these: a 10 yr. old girl killed her classmate by stabbing him with a scissor on the neck over an argument related to a project; 4 boys aged between 8-11 pushed their classmate to his death from a 3rd floor classroom; teenagers 11-13 open-fired on unsuspecting students at a school in America, killing about 5 before committing suicides themselves. Two days ago a mom from my son's school was telling me how there are all sorts of bullies in local primary schools here (of course it could also be true everywhere else), so the only way for our kids to survive is to master karate or taekwondo. The other month a nanny took off with her 1 year old charge. Police found the child later abandoned in a cafe on the opposite side of the island. What's scary is that the nanny got away with only deportation for punishment, apparently due to plea of insanity!
I realize I am probably only saying this out of panic. For what good will it do me, and my kid(s), if I'll keep us in the dark? The feeling and sense that the world is still safe will then be superficial. But what do you do when you're confronted with these events everyday, when all you really want is the safety, happiness, health and well-being of your loved-ones, particularly your children? The world has gone mad and there are all sorts of things to worry about -- bird flu, SARS, hand-foot-mouth disease, school/juvenile violence, child abuse, water pollution, food poisoning, terrorists bombings, kidnapping. The list could go on and on. Increasingly I am finding myself reminiscing about my own childhood, back when kids can safely play on the streets and on the farm. When indoor games and toys are only resorted to when there's a heavy downpour and we've already spent a good hour playing in the rain.
I wouldn't be surprised if moms in particular are already at this stage wishing kids are stuff they can put in and out of the drawer. Out when it's safe, in when it's not.
My son, Luis, is now 3 1/2. He just started preschool and in his school bus there already exists 5 year old bullies! A few days ago a boy started the horde of them chanting "I don't like Luis" just because my son wouldn't join in their screaming bout. This kid I am talking about spews nothing but the word "stupid" out of his young mouth (e.g. stupid car, stupid animal, stupid uncle).
In 3 more months Lorenzo, our 2nd son, will be due. Then my fears will be doubled. I am praying I'll have the faith -- that God will keep them protected and safe.
Antisocial or Simple WAGS Evasion?
Has it finally happened? Am I now officially an antisocial? A loner?! All my life my mom complained about me having too many social groups -- at the church, in our community, in school, and then at work. Now all I want to do is find a quiet place, my favorite spot in my favorite Starbucks branch if available, and read.
This afternoon I chanced upon the
WAGS (see 9/05 entry). Or maybe I should say the WAGS chanced upon me, since I got to Starbucks first. I was paying for my usual mocha frap decaf when one of them came over with a hearty hello and introduced me to the others. After a minute or 2 of the usual
"hi, how are you" and
"when are you due" 
I excused myself and deliberately settled in a spot where they can't follow. I got a small table beside noisy students who are probably doing a group work. I had the notion the WAGS wouldn't want to compete with that kind of noise, so I am probably safe. After a while I saw them took a table some 2 or 3 yards away from me. Alright, I did not completely
hide okay? I just don't want to engage in small talks, nor bear the boredom of having to listen to their discussions which will probably be totally alien to me anyway. I also figured they might not want the inconvenience of having to include me in their discussion. And besides, this daily routine is too precious for me. It's my daily private, quiet, time.
If it was me from a long time ago they got to know, they'd probably find themselves a new, if occasional, member, at the very least. Back then I know how to get other people to want to invite and be with me. Now I just don't want that kind of involvement, or obligation. I'll be happy to indulge in 5-minute chitchats in school while waiting for class dismissal, and that's it. Or maybe they're just not the crowd I am looking for? Too early to really tell. I haven't really made friends with anyone or any group in particular here. Luis is invited to a birthday party two sundays from now -- by a Filipino family. I am assuming there'll be lots of other Filipino families there. Then we'll see how I'd react and feel about socializing and establishing friendships again.
WOW Philippines (as in where-oh-where?)
I was surprised. Amazed. Saddened. Depressed. Frustrated! Where's our dear
WOW Philippines?
I've been scouring the classified pages of
The Straits Times for several days now, checking out holiday options that will give us the best deal - in time for Luis' one week school break in October. This break is especially important to me because October is my last opportunity to travel, given that I'm due to deliver in December. You know I need to unwind (as if that's not what I've been doing every afternoon since Luis started school, he he he). Anyway, considering our circumstances -- mainly my being pregnant plus having a preschooler along -- plus factor-in my security concerns (both physical and physiological - bird flu is as frightening as acts of terrorism to me), we are down to 3 options:
Kuala Lumpur,
Bangkok and
Cambodia. Kuala Lumpur we can do by driving on our own at a leisurely pace, probably stopping by along the way if we see anything interesting. I'm giving it top priority because I am thinking I can do shopping for my 2nd baby's essentials there. The night market in Bangkok is equally enticing, but I doubt we can make the most out of it with Luis' traveling with us. Cambodia was not spared of the bird flu epidemic, but
Angkor Wat and
Siem Reap beckons.
Now you might say there's nothing frustrating at all about what I am saying. Let me get to that. It's the fact that several issues and days after I started my little 'research' and I still haven't found a single ad/promo/invitation/feature that will lure tourists to Manila, or Boracay, or Cebu, or Davao, or Palawan, or Ilocos, or anywhere in the Philippines! There's Incredible India, Bountiful Hawaii, Discover Korea, Experience America, Free & Easy China, Bali/Phuket/Maldives Getaway. Name them. But no WOW Philippines anywhere. Not even a single travel agency offering low fares to
Manila.
Does this mean Singaporeans are not our market? Might not be the majority, but should we be totally absent here? In South Korea travel agencies actively promote all sorts of travel packages to the Philippines -- weekend golf, casino, beach, shopping. I can't believe we're ZERO here in Singapore. And to think that we Filipinos always include Singapore in our travel choices in Asia, especially with the introduction of budget airlines. Shouldn't we at least make our presence felt? Hey, Singaporeans, you have another option you know. We have great
beaches, too. Beaches are not the monopoly of Bali or Maldives. There are interesting things to see in the Philippines as well. Heck, we can even promote our country as an educational trip option -- for students of well-off countries to see first hand what and how it looks like to be 3rd world. Okay you might not agree with that one, but I'm serious.
My point is if these Singaporeans are ready to travel to China to see the
Great Wall, surely we can come up with something as interesting if not as grand. I'm sure they'll be as thrilled with our
caves and other unexploited natural wonders. We just need to make sure we come up with a really good, interesting, travel itinerary for them.
P.S. Have you tried visiting our tourism site? I mean the WOW Philippines site? Really, that's where improvements are badly needed first and foremost. You know how pictures can make a difference, and our tourism site just sorely lacks interesting pictures that can lure visitors. Click on highlighted words (e.g. caves, beaches) and you'll be disappointed not to have enough views to see.
Solitary Nights
Do left for the US & Canada and will be gone the whole week. Imagine, a whole week! I never really thought about it - about missing his company and being "by myself" for one whole week - until this morning when I started packing his suitcase. Suddenly I realized I didn't want him away, at least not for that long (a week without my husband is like a year to me). Of course I knew from the time he got appointed to a regional post that there will be lots of traveling involved. But I had the impression those travels will be overnighters, two nights away at a time, at the most. Some might think I am overreacting. But I so value our time together chatting about our day's events when he comes home at night I know I will sorely miss him every second he is away. Complicate my personal feelings with Luis' reaction upon realizing his daddy will be riding the airplane. Soon as he saw his daddy's suitcase, he marched into our bedroom demanding to be bathed so he can "go to the airport and ride the airplane". You guessed it right. He kicked and screamed and "turned his playroom upside down" when we explained to him Daddy needs to attend a meeting, and will just get him a present upon his return. I thought he was appeased after enumerating his wishes (a Lightning McQueen car, and another small red race car), but his tantrums just won't be quelled that easily. He fell asleep crying, and asked for his Daddy the minute he woke up and opened his eyes. I didn't have the heart to get mad at him for kicking and throwing things at me, after realizing how much he is missing his Daddy already. And that he's just expressing his feelings the only possible way he knows. This is gonna be a very long week for both of us, indeed.
Within 5 Years
I was hit by the reality that I've lived almost half of my life if I am to base my life expectancy according to DOH's calculation of 72.8 years for the average Filipino woman (as of 2004). Of course there is also the probability that I've lived more than half of it already. The realization made me nostalgic. It made me think of what I have done in and with my life so far...
I visited a
friend's blog and learned about
Ellen Degeneres' challenge about making our LIFE LIST. Half a lifetime may be too long (and too presumptuous) so I'll set my target to within 5 years. Not in order, here are the things I want to accomplish:
1. Help Luis adjust to his new schedule, new routine, new environment. I'm talking about school, of course, and all the changes that come with it (meeting/socializing with other kids, maturity and responsibility, sleep habits, eating habits).
2. Successfully deliver and take care of my 2nd baby (oh, how different it is when you are surrounded by family). Honestly I am very nervous about this one.
3. Lose weight, lose inches. Ideally I should go back to my pre-pregnancy statistics (and I mean prior to having my first baby!).
4. Start and finish scrapbook backlogs (Luis' 1st year, Korea assignment, 2003-2005 travels).
5. Organize and manage all photo albums (print and digital).
6. Visit
Europe once more (IT to include Spain, Netherlands, Germany, Denmark, Czech Republic, Austria, Greece, Turkey).
7. Find a job (home-based, part-time; could also be full time once our 2nd baby starts schooling).
8. Do volunteer work, or get involved in projects by
Unicef,
Habitat for Humanity,
Greenpeace and the like.
9. Learn to speak Spanish.
10. Write an article and get published!
11. Trace all my elementary, high school, and college friends and get in touch with them (better if reunions can be organized thereafter).
12. Enroll in photography (doesn't matter if I haven't saved enough money to get all the needed equipment).
13. Make our family tree.
14. Finally get a facial, and make having one a routine. I am not getting any younger!
15. Read once again about the world history, and Greek mythology.
If I am lucky to live "the remaining half" of my life, to grow old, what memories will accompany and help me pass the time? Pardon me but let this be the subject of my next entry.
Random Musings #1
So near and yet so far. Too many and yet too few. So much time, and yet no time to do what I really want to do. I don't know if there is such a word but I think I am
domestically-burnt out.
I complain, I worry, about every little thing I see around the house. Every "failure" in my attempt to be a good mom, a good housewife. Why is it that no matter how much I try to explain to my helper why she needs to hang Luis' shirts instead of putting them in the dryer, the shirts still end up machine dried anyway? And to think that I don't even ask her to "do the machine washing", I do them myself. Only sometimes the wash cycle ends while I am away and she will voluntarily transfer the clothes to the dryer. Her good intentions will then get drowned by her inability to remember my simple instruction on hanging shirts. And why does she insist on hanging clothes for ironing on cabinet doors - make it in all the cabinets' doors - giving you the impression there's a fiesta coming up and
banderitas are a must? There are hordes of other little stuff that I should just learn to brush aside, or I'll lose my mind.
***
Did you watch the recent world cup? If yes, then you are familiar with the WAGS. No, not wags as in people who cracks witty jokes. But
WAGS as in wives and girlfriends of the players. These wags are known for their fashion-consciousness, their shopping sprees and loud parties. Well, in my son's school there is this kind of wags. Mommies who look like they came straight out of a vogue magazine's page, wearing butterfly sunglasses, dragging their ultra-sized designer bags on their shoulders. There is no way you won't notice them because they stand out among
the rest of us creatures from earth. While we keep our
chikahan hushed so as not to disturb the classes, they seem not to mind at all the noise they are making as they chatter about their recent escapades (most of the time it's just about shopping, shopping, shopping!). Well, I shouldn't really be concerning myself about them. They seem friendly, afterall. They greet everyone like they are candidates for the local elections.
***
I haven't tried my hands on driving here, although I know I must and soon. I can't seem to picture how I'd work out the distances and the turns when I have to sit on the right side of the car, instead of on the left (they drive right hand here). My husband keeps saying it's not really hard when you get used to it. But I don't know. Maybe I really am the "conscious" driver he is accusing me to be.
